|
Post by Laura on May 1, 2008 19:36:29 GMT -5
#1 and 2 were pretty good. No wonder he looks so tired..and yeah, what's up with crazy Paula? True. I could act that way for a lot less money. I already do it ... every day. Was it you who posted that Willie Geist on Morning Joe said that for $10 million dollars she could at least pay attention to what she's doing?
|
|
|
Post by moonstone on May 1, 2008 19:38:13 GMT -5
True. I could act that way for a lot less money. I already do it ... every day. Was it you who posted that Willie Geist on Morning Joe said that for $10 million dollars she could at least pay attention to what she's doing? Yes. That actually got posted at NH. Even though I riffed Countdown, too. Amazing.
|
|
|
Post by g1 on May 2, 2008 7:12:53 GMT -5
Oh, dear... "Wednesday night on "Hannity & Colmes", Sean Hannity introduced the closing segment -- a clip of Bill O'Reilly's interview with Hillary Clinton -- thus: Coming up, Hillary Clinton bares all in a new interview -- her likes and d*cks…dislikes…you know, her run for the presidency. What would it be, you know, for her dream date? from www.dailycomedy.com/jokes?gclid=CIDlyYLlh5MCFQmQGgodI1u4fA
|
|
|
Post by g1 on May 2, 2008 7:28:05 GMT -5
How Many Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb? (Christian edition)
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)
Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him he did it wrong.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a hotdish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What’s a light bulb?
|
|
|
Post by moonstone on May 2, 2008 8:50:18 GMT -5
How Many Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb? (Christian edition) Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air. Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times. Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.) Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken. Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was. Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him he did it wrong. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a hotdish to pass. Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change. Amish: What’s a light bulb? I never thought I'd say this, but the Baptists sound like the most fun. The Methodists sound the most warm and fuzzy. There's a place for that, I suppose. And thanks for the words of the day -- "valid paths to luminescence." By noon, it will be shortened to just luminescence, and by evening it will be luminosity. I LOVE luminosity. Here's a description of "The Phenomenon of Luminosity" by Hawkwind -- "Friendship Seven: I'll try to describe what I'm in here. I'm in a big mass of some very small particles that are brilliantly lit up, like they're luminescent. I never saw anything like it. They're coming by the capsule, and they look like little stars. A whole shower of them coming by." And here we have a perfect visual example of luminosity -- www.lib.fit.edu/pubs/librarydisplays/colors/603px-Crab_Nebula.jpg
|
|
|
Post by moonstone on May 2, 2008 9:06:00 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by moonstone on May 2, 2008 9:11:35 GMT -5
Oh, dear... "Wednesday night on "Hannity & Colmes", Sean Hannity introduced the closing segment -- a clip of Bill O'Reilly's interview with Hillary Clinton -- thus: Coming up, Hillary Clinton bares all in a new interview -- her likes and d*cks…dislikes…you know, her run for the presidency. What would it be, you know, for her dream date? from www.dailycomedy.com/jokes?gclid=CIDlyYLlh5MCFQmQGgodI1u4fAThere's a joke about "testicular fortitude" in there somewhere.
|
|
|
Post by g1 on May 2, 2008 10:13:27 GMT -5
Don't be ashamed... lot's of closet UU's out there. Another Light-bulb solution: How many UU's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ten. One to screw in the bulb and nine to form a Survivors of Darkness support group. *** A classic: How do you get UU's to move out of the neighborhood? Burn a question mark on their lawn.. *** Some others, even though you didn't ask... A little Unitarian Universalist girl was sitting on the curb in front of her house with a sad look on her face. An older lady happened upon her and asked her why she looked so sad. The girl replied, "My kitty cat died." The older woman, trying to be helpful, said to the little girl, "I know you're sad, but right now your kitty cat is with Jesus." The girl crinkled her nose for a second and replied, "What would Jesus want with a dead cat?" *** A newcomer was wandering about the inside of a Unitarian Universalist church when he was approached by a member. "Is there something you're looking for?" asked the member. "I've looked all over but I don't see the Ten Commandments posted anywhere in this building." replied the newcomer. "Hey," replied the member, " this is a church, not a Federal courthouse." *** "The Unitarians don't want salvation, they want closure." - Garrison Keillor *** My wife, a student minister, can attest to this: Being a Unitarian minister is like pushing a wheelbarrow full of frogs. *** Chris Raible, pastor-emeritus of my church ('scuse me, Congregation) wrote this ditty: "Gods Rest Ye, Unitarians" (UU Version) Gods rest ye, Unitarians, let nothing you dismay; Remember there's no evidence there was a Christmas Day; When Christ was born is just not known, no matter what they say, O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact, Glad tidings of reason and fact. Our current Christmas Customs come from Persia and from Greece, From solstice celebrations of the ancient Middle East. This whole darn Christmas spiel is just another pagan feast, O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact, Glad tidings of reason and fact. There was no star of Bethlehem, there was no angels' song; There could not have been wise men for the trip would take too long. The stories in the Bible are historically wrong, O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact, Glad tidings of reason and fact! *** Chris also wrote the most famous UU hymn, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee: Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Praise the strength of coffee. Early in the morn we rise with thoughts of only thee. Served fresh or reheated, Dark by thee defeated, Brewed black by perk or drip or instantly. Though all else we scoff we Come to church for coffee; If we're late to congregate, we come in time for thee. Coffee our one ritual, Drinking it habitual, Brewed black by perk or drip instantly. Coffee the communion Of our Uni-Union, Symbol of our sacred ground, our one necessity. Feel the holy power At our coffee hour, Brewed black by perk or drip or instantly. *** What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah's Witness? Somebody who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
|
|
|
Post by Laura on May 2, 2008 10:23:50 GMT -5
How Many Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb? (Christian edition) Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air. Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times. Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.) Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken. Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was. Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him he did it wrong. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a hotdish to pass. Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change. Amish: What’s a light bulb? I never thought I'd say this, but the Baptists sound like the most fun. The Methodists sound the most warm and fuzzy. There's a place for that, I suppose. And thanks for the words of the day -- "valid paths to luminescence." By noon, it will be shortened to just luminescence, and by evening it will be luminosity. I LOVE luminosity. Here's a description of "The Phenomenon of Luminosity" by Hawkwind -- "Friendship Seven: I'll try to describe what I'm in here. I'm in a big mass of some very small particles that are brilliantly lit up, like they're luminescent. I never saw anything like it. They're coming by the capsule, and they look like little stars. A whole shower of them coming by." And here we have a perfect visual example of luminosity -- www.lib.fit.edu/pubs/librarydisplays/colors/603px-Crab_Nebula.jpgSpectacular! Reminds me of the inside of an abalone shell..
|
|
|
Post by pdb on May 2, 2008 10:38:20 GMT -5
Oh, dear... "Wednesday night on "Hannity & Colmes", Sean Hannity introduced the closing segment -- a clip of Bill O'Reilly's interview with Hillary Clinton -- thus: Coming up, Hillary Clinton bares all in a new interview -- her likes and d*cks…dislikes…you know, her run for the presidency. What would it be, you know, for her dream date? from www.dailycomedy.com/jokes?gclid=CIDlyYLlh5MCFQmQGgodI1u4fAThere's a joke about "testicular fortitude" in there somewhere. There is, moon; I decided once again last night to break my long-standing boycott and watch Chris Matthews; as usual, it was quite amusing watching him spin all of this. Anyway, he laughed about the "testicular fortitude" of Hillary last night. Then, in what is so "important", he reported on who Hillary would "go on a date with if Bill gave her the NIGHT OFF" (the “night off” --I found that sexist but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised when it comes to Chrissie Cakes --"the night off" --PLEASE!!) Her answer, according to Chrissie Cakes, was Abraham Lincoln. He didn’t play any video footage of her so I’ll have to take his word for it (a rather large pill to swallow); also, he said "Hillary's playing it safe" --whatever that means --my boycott's back on tonight!! PEACE!!
|
|
|
Post by pdb on May 2, 2008 10:41:23 GMT -5
Excellent, g1!! I love your posts!!
|
|
|
Post by moonstone on May 2, 2008 12:57:37 GMT -5
Don't be ashamed... lot's of closet UU's out there. I've been called a lot of things in my time (after all, I am a lawyer). But never, and I repeat, never ... a "closet UU." Too funny, g1. If this is what it's like, I might even show up for church one of these days. After all, I learned at Kos the other day that Keith Olbermann is not "god." I don't mind telling you that it came as a big surprise to this rabid fan girl. So, now I have to find a good substitute. Maybe UU will do.
|
|
|
Post by moonstone on May 2, 2008 13:05:05 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Laura on May 2, 2008 13:16:03 GMT -5
Cool.. thanks Moon
|
|
|
Post by Fairweather on May 2, 2008 14:46:08 GMT -5
There's a joke about "testicular fortitude" in there somewhere. There is, moon; I decided once again last night to break my long-standing boycott and watch Chris Matthews; as usual, it was quite amusing watching him spin all of this. Anyway, he laughed about the "testicular fortitude" of Hillary last night. Then, in what is so "important", he reported on who Hillary would "go on a date with if Bill gave her the NIGHT OFF" (the “night off” --I found that sexist but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised when it comes to Chrissie Cakes --"the night off" --PLEASE!!) Her answer, according to Chrissie Cakes, was Abraham Lincoln. He didn’t play any video footage of her so I’ll have to take his word for it (a rather large pill to swallow); also, he said "Hillary's playing it safe" --whatever that means --my boycott's back on tonight!! PEACE!! About the "Abraham Lincoln" thing, he's quoting something she told PEOPLE magazine in this week's issue. She was asked who, past or present, she would like to go out with if she got the chance. Her answer was "That's such a dangerous question!. . .How about Abraham Lincoln?" No video, unless they have some at People.com.
|
|
|
Post by g1 on May 3, 2008 7:35:23 GMT -5
Don't be ashamed... lot's of closet UU's out there. I've been called a lot of things in my time (after all, I am a lawyer). But never, and I repeat, never ... a "closet UU." Too funny, g1. If this is what it's like, I might even show up for church one of these days. After all, I learned at Kos the other day that Keith Olbermann is not "god." I don't mind telling you that it came as a big surprise to this rabid fan girl. So, now I have to find a good substitute. Maybe UU will do. ooops-- Sorry I missed this earlier... If you do show up at the Wright Meetinghouse, you can expect plenty of coffee, but probably not so much Tab so you might want to carry your own in a discrete re-usable container. If anyone asks, tell them its herbal tea. If it's potluck Sunday you will, as a guest be forgiven for not bringing a hotdish on your first or, as this is quite a liberal denomination, second visit. But don't let it happen a third time... I'm glad someone disabused you of the notion that KO is not God. Now if only someone would disabuse Keith...
|
|
|
Post by Fairweather on May 3, 2008 11:44:27 GMT -5
As a non-practicing Methodist, I got a good giggle out of the description of Methodists--but we also are overly fond of committees, as this anecdote illustrates: the last congregation I was part of (who still want me to detach my singing voice and let it attend on its own) had a grand total of 35 members who attended regularly, despite being on a busy college campus. The grand old man of the congregation, a former president of the college, was concerned that our congregation wasn't growing and produced a proposal to do an outreach ministry. Given that the church was so small one would think this would be an endeavor we all should have been behind; not so. Nothing ever got done because the Administrative Council appointed a committee to see if we needed a committee to plan the outreach. It never got out of committee--a failing we have in common, BTW, with Congress.
Nor do Methodists fall behind at potlucks, hotdishes, or even just cake and coffee. This is a favorite Methodist joke of mine:
Three women--a Roman Catholic, an Episcopalian, and a Methodist--happened to arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter--a gruff but kindly old man with a giant key hanging from his belt--asked them each in turn why she felt she should get into Heaven.
The Catholic showed him a well-worn rosary. He agreed that she had been faithful and let her in.
The Episcopalian showed him a well-worn prayerbook. He agreed that she had been faithful and let her in.
Then he turned to the Methodist lady. She was carrying a huge handbag that actually resembled one of those quilted bags for carrying hot food.
So St. Peter asked her: "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"
She replied distractedly, "I KNOW I've got a casserole in here somewhere--"
|
|
|
Post by moonstone on May 3, 2008 20:16:39 GMT -5
Click on this link to The Onion and look to your left for the funniest road sign in a long time. I can't link it directly because of the thingy thingy. www.theonion.com/content/index
|
|
|
Post by pdb on May 3, 2008 20:56:46 GMT -5
Click on this link to The Onion and look to your left for the funniest road sign in a long time. I can't link it directly because of the thingy thingy. www.theonion.com/content/indexI don't know about Wisconsin, moon, but we NEED those signs here in LA --posted EVERYWHERE!! LOL; absolutely wonderful!!
|
|
|
Post by pdb on May 3, 2008 21:05:01 GMT -5
I've been called a lot of things in my time (after all, I am a lawyer). But never, and I repeat, never ... a "closet UU." Too funny, g1. If this is what it's like, I might even show up for church one of these days. After all, I learned at Kos the other day that Keith Olbermann is not "god." I don't mind telling you that it came as a big surprise to this rabid fan girl. So, now I have to find a good substitute. Maybe UU will do. ooops-- Sorry I missed this earlier... If you do show up at the Wright Meetinghouse, you can expect plenty of coffee, but probably not so much Tab so you might want to carry your own in a discrete re-usable container. If anyone asks, tell them its herbal tea. If it's potluck Sunday you will, as a guest be forgiven for not bringing a hotdish on your first or, as this is quite a liberal denomination, second visit. But don't let it happen a third time... I'm glad someone disabused you of the notion that KO is not God. Now if only someone would disabuse Keith... LOL, g1!! I think you'd be just perfect at breaking the news to Keith!! Too funny, friend!! And moon, you too!!
|
|
|
Post by Laura on May 3, 2008 21:47:37 GMT -5
Click on this link to The Onion and look to your left for the funniest road sign in a long time. I can't link it directly because of the thingy thingy. www.theonion.com/content/indexI don't know about Wisconsin, moon; but we NEED those signs here in LA --posted EVERYWHERE!! LOL; absolutely wonderful!! Wonderful indeed. I want one of these signs on every street corner. How many times do these freakin' pedestrians almost get themselves killed because they don't look for oncoming traffic. At least twice a week I'll be going down the street to work and a dipsh** person just darts out in front of me, not looking both ways, nothing. They think the Lord is going to protect them or what!!! Although, frankly I don't think a sign would help. They're just stupid pedestrians.
|
|
|
Post by pdb on May 3, 2008 21:53:40 GMT -5
I don't know about Wisconsin, moon; but we NEED those signs here in LA --posted EVERYWHERE!! LOL; absolutely wonderful!! Wonderful indeed. I want one of these signs on every street corner. How many times do these freakin' pedestrians almost get themselves killed because they don't look for oncoming traffic. At least twice a week I'll be going down the street to work and a dipsh** person just darts out in front of me, not looking both ways, nothing. They think the Lord is going to protect them or what!!! Although, frankly I don't think a sign would help. They're just stupid pedestrians. Oh Laura, it's SOOOOOOO nice having someone who really understands my frustration!! My "favorite" is when they're on the cell phone and dart out in the middle of the street --and they don't even care that they're very busy streets --PCH, Sepulveda, Imperial Hwy, Washington Blvd --to name a few!! After living in LA all these years, I get in my car and automatically assume EVERYONE is stupid --otherwise, I'll hit someone or I'll get hit!! When I taught Rana and Reema to drive (many panic attacks), I shared my brilliant wisdom with them--"always remember, the moment you get behind the wheel, everyone is stupid" --I swear it's the only thing that's saved me!! Thank you!!
|
|
|
Post by Laura on May 3, 2008 21:57:58 GMT -5
Wonderful indeed. I want one of these signs on every street corner. How many times do these freakin' pedestrians almost get themselves killed because they don't look for oncoming traffic. At least twice a week I'll be going down the street to work and a dipsh** person just darts out in front of me, not looking both ways, nothing. They think the Lord is going to protect them or what!!! Although, frankly I don't think a sign would help. They're just stupid pedestrians. Oh Laura, it's SOOOOOOO nice having someone who really understands my frustration!! My "favorite" is when they're on the cell phone and dart out in the middle of the street --and they don't care --PCH, Sepulveda, Imperial Hwy, Washington Blvd --to name a few!! After living in LA all these years, I get in my car and automatically assume EVERYONE is stupid --otherwise, I'll hit someone or I'll get hit!! When I taught Rana and Reema to drive (many panic attacks), I shared with them by brilliant wisdom --"always remember, everyone is stupid" --I swear it's the only thing that's saved me!! Thank you!! Oh, yes, I forgot about the dummies on cell phones. One evening I was heading home. I was not even on the main street. Just getting through residential streets was bad enough. Three..I counted them..three times idiots on cell phones almost hit me. It was a stop sign for them! I'm always on the defensive when driving, but these fools, talking, don't even have the sense to realize there is a stop sign in front of them. I wanted to cut them off and beat the s**t out of them. Two were women one was a man.
|
|
|
Post by pdb on May 3, 2008 22:40:51 GMT -5
Oh Laura, it's SOOOOOOO nice having someone who really understands my frustration!! My "favorite" is when they're on the cell phone and dart out in the middle of the street --and they don't care --PCH, Sepulveda, Imperial Hwy, Washington Blvd --to name a few!! After living in LA all these years, I get in my car and automatically assume EVERYONE is stupid --otherwise, I'll hit someone or I'll get hit!! When I taught Rana and Reema to drive (many panic attacks), I shared with them by brilliant wisdom --"always remember, everyone is stupid" --I swear it's the only thing that's saved me!! Thank you!! Oh, yes, I forgot about the dummies on cell phones. One evening I was heading home. I was not even on the main street. Just getting through residential streets was bad enough. Three..I counted them..three times idiots on cell phones almost hit me. It was a stop sign for them! I'm always on the defensive when driving, but these fools, talking, don't even have the sense to realize there is a stop sign in front of them. I wanted to cut them off and beat the s**t out of them. Two were women one was a man. Don't you just love it when they look at you like YOU'RE the moron who can’t drive when it's a near miss and their fault?? I remember a little over a year ago, the Vatican came out with a ten-step plan, pleading for all Catholics to pray the Rosary WHILE DRIVING!! It was designed to "help us exercise patience while driving." I laughed so hard I cried!! I thought, just great, now we'll have the cell phone, coffee drinking, smoking, while applying make-up (women) and shaving (men) drivers with Rosary Beads in their hands praying!! (And yes, drivers do all of the above in Los Angeles)!! I still have that "ten-step plan" from the Vatican; I'll have to dig it up --I thought to myself, "They have NEVER visited Los Angeles!! LOL!! I’m laughing all over again!!
|
|
|
Post by Laura on May 3, 2008 22:47:08 GMT -5
Oh, yes, I forgot about the dummies on cell phones. One evening I was heading home. I was not even on the main street. Just getting through residential streets was bad enough. Three..I counted them..three times idiots on cell phones almost hit me. It was a stop sign for them! I'm always on the defensive when driving, but these fools, talking, don't even have the sense to realize there is a stop sign in front of them. I wanted to cut them off and beat the s**t out of them. Two were women one was a man. Don't you just love when they look at you like YOU'RE the moron who can’t drive when it's a near miss and their fault?? I remember a little over a year ago, the Vatican came out with a ten-step plan; pleading for all Catholics to pray the Rosary WHILE DRIVING!! It was designed to "help us exercise patience while driving." I laughed so hard I cried!! I thought, just great, now we'll have the cell phone, coffee drinking, smoking, while applying make-up (women) and shaving (men) drivers with Rosary Beads in their hands praying!! (And yes, drivers to all of the above in Los Angeles)!! I still have that "directive" from the Vatican; I'll have to dig it up --I thought to myself, "They have never even VISITED Los Angeles!! LOL!! I’m laughing all over again!! LOL! Yes, they do all those things. My poor hubby has almost been t-boned with several of those women putting on make up. He came into work and was madder then a wet hen. The looks you mentioned, yeah it's all our fault! That law going into affect in July where people can only use cell phones with hands free..that's not going to help a bit. It's a proven fact one cannot concentrate on driving and carrying on a conversation on the phone. The only thing that will work is no cell phone use while driving..period. I always pull over to use or answer. I'm a good driver, but I am not stupid enough to think I can do both.
|
|