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Post by moonstone on Apr 28, 2008 12:55:55 GMT -5
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by he whispered to the man "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment, returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy,but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger briefly surveyed the situation and then asked, "All right Buddy, what's your name?" "Fred" the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger. With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle, Fred replied "the balcony". After I stopped groaning myself, I only had one thing to say. Ouch.
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Post by Fairweather on Apr 28, 2008 12:59:08 GMT -5
Second that ouch, moon. (But I'm still giggling.)
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Post by g1 on Apr 28, 2008 13:38:08 GMT -5
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by he whispered to the man "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment, returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy,but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger briefly surveyed the situation and then asked, "All right Buddy, what's your name?" "Fred" the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger. With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle, Fred replied "the balcony". Thanks for the vaudeville chestnut, Nan. The follow-up proceeds along these lines: The Ranger asked "Is there a doctor in the house?" No reply, so he shouted a bit louder "I say, is there a doctor in the house? This man is seriously injured and needs medical attention." From the rear of the auditorium came, "Give him an enema!" "An enema?" said the Ranger. "That won't do him any good." The voice replied, "Maybe not, but it won't hurt him none either!" *** I have to confess that I don't know what's so funny about that response but, among the generation who remember vaudeville, the joke never fails. I assume it's some catch-phrase from the 20s or 30s, now lost to us youngsters. Anyone know the story behind the phrase?
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Post by moonstone on Apr 28, 2008 14:09:21 GMT -5
From the rear of the auditorium came, "Give him an enema!"
"An enema?" said the Ranger. "That won't do him any good."
The voice replied, "Maybe not, but it won't hurt him none either!"
*** I have to confess that I don't know what's so funny about that response but, among the generation who remember vaudeville, the joke never fails. I assume it's some catch-phrase from the 20s or 30s, now lost to us youngsters. Anyone know the story behind the phrase? -- g1
With apologies to nana, I have to say again, "ouch."
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Post by moonstone on Apr 29, 2008 22:50:28 GMT -5
For everyone who has fond memories of Saturday Night Live, or just has a hankering for some spiritual solace, here are a few Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy …
If a child asks you where rain comes from, tell them it's God crying. If they ask why He's crying, tell them it's probably because of something they did.
I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
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Post by Laura on Apr 30, 2008 10:24:27 GMT -5
For everyone who has fond memories of Saturday Night Live, or just has a hankering for some spiritual solace, here are a few Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy … If a child asks you where rain comes from, tell them it's God crying. If they ask why He's crying, tell them it's probably because of something they did.
I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons." LMAO! Thanks for the first laugh of the day. These are great. Thanks Moon.
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Post by g1 on Apr 30, 2008 10:39:36 GMT -5
This is part of an apparently a serious comment by "Margi" at HuffPo in re: the Wright scandal.
"Rev Wright is just and simply a distraction. HRC played her hand so well , she used Ms Reynolds for the dirty trick which was to bring Rev Wright at the Press conference and force him to defend himself. Unfortunately he went overboard, thinking he was funny. He made a fool of himself."
Now it all comes clear... it was that BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Hillary behind it all along. Whew. Now I'll be able to get some sleep...
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Post by pdb on Apr 30, 2008 21:22:07 GMT -5
This is part of an apparently a serious comment by "Margi" at HuffPo in re: the Wright scandal. "Rev Wright is just and simply a distraction. HRC played her hand so well , she used Ms Reynolds for the dirty trick which was to bring Rev Wright at the Press conference and force him to defend himself. Unfortunately he went overboard, thinking he was funny. He made a fool of himself." Now it all comes clear... it was that BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Hillary behind it all along. Whew. Now I'll be able to get some sleep... G1, didn't you see this coming a mile away? Of course "it's all Hillary's fault." This is a perfect example of the bias we've seen throughout this campaign!! This one just makes me want to scream; no, I think I will scream!! I think some people read WAY to many conspiracy novels for their own good!! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!! You nailed it, g1; I'm sick and tired of it!!
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Post by g1 on May 1, 2008 10:12:09 GMT -5
Things on a Homicidal Bartender's To-Do List
Dance on bar like the "Coyote Ugly" girls, then hunt and eat yappy little dogs like real coyotes.
Stop saying "Pick your poison" before somebody catches on.
Treat those jerks at the end of the bar to a round of shots, then dispose of the gun.
Find a way to mask the anti-freeze taste for the perfect Prestone martini.
Invent new thingytail: pint of vodka + 50 sleeping pills = "Drowsy Russian."
Invent a new thingytail: Kahlua + Ex-Lax = "Exploding Russian"
Practice saying "Last call!" in a Freddie Krueger voice.
Re-order exploding olives from Martha Stewart's "Bin Laden Collection."
Rig jukebox to play "Y.M.C.A" when "Proud to Be an American" is selected.
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Post by moonstone on May 1, 2008 11:34:50 GMT -5
"Find a way to mask the anti-freeze taste for the perfect Prestone martini."
You know what's coming here, don't you?
Add Tab to taste.
Sounds good to me.
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Post by g1 on May 1, 2008 11:43:59 GMT -5
"Find a way to mask the anti-freeze taste for the perfect Prestone martini." You know what's coming here, don't you? Add Tab to taste. Sounds good to me. I was contemplating adding something about Tab and Jello and milk, but thought it might be in baaaaaaaaaaaaad taste. Speaking of which... I see you managed to get a few in at Newshole. Wonder why they keep on blocking me...?
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Post by moonstone on May 1, 2008 12:27:21 GMT -5
"Find a way to mask the anti-freeze taste for the perfect Prestone martini." You know what's coming here, don't you? Add Tab to taste. Sounds good to me. I was contemplating adding something about Tab and Jello and milk, but thought it might be in baaaaaaaaaaaaad taste. Speaking of which... I see you managed to get a few in at Newshole. Wonder why they keep on blocking me...? Not bad taste; it would just taste bad. As to News Hole, who knows? I'm obviously not black-listed, but not everything I send makes the cut, either. I figured the one where I criticized Countdown wouldn't make it, but maybe he's forgiven me. LoL
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Post by Fairweather on May 1, 2008 12:29:19 GMT -5
New sinister thought: could Full Moon possibly be Bill O'Reilly?
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Post by Laura on May 1, 2008 14:32:11 GMT -5
"Find a way to mask the anti-freeze taste for the perfect Prestone martini." You know what's coming here, don't you? Add Tab to taste. Sounds good to me. I was contemplating adding something about Tab and Jello and milk, but thought it might be in baaaaaaaaaaaaad taste. Speaking of which... I see you managed to get a few in at Newshole. Wonder why they keep on blocking me...? Eeeewwww! Tab, Jello and milk to antifreeze! OMG. Don't feel bad g1. Most of us are blocked at NH. Only a few make the cut anymore. HI PAN!
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Post by moonstone on May 1, 2008 14:45:36 GMT -5
New sinister thought: could Full Moon possibly be Bill O'Reilly? Hello??? What makes you say that??? Full Moon is lot of things, but ... O'Reilly??? Eeeuuuwww. Well, on second thought, I suppose anything is possible. LoL He's still posting over at News Hole and First Read. Maybe we should invite him over here and ask him. Do you think he would come?
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Post by Laura on May 1, 2008 14:47:27 GMT -5
New sinister thought: could Full Moon possibly be Bill O'Reilly? Hello??? What makes you say that??? Full Moon is lot of things, but ... O'Reilly??? Eeeuuuwww. Well, on second thought, I suppose anything is possible. LoL He's still posting over at News Hole and First Read. Maybe we should invite him over here and ask him. Do you think he would come? Didn't you and Full Moon have many discussions about music? Would Billo discuss music? Naw..
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Post by moonstone on May 1, 2008 15:08:01 GMT -5
Eeeewwww! Tab, Jello and milk to antifreeze! OMG. You guys. You just don't appreciate the finer things in life. LoL
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Post by moonstone on May 1, 2008 15:11:28 GMT -5
Didn't you and Full Moon have many discussions about music? Would Billo discuss music? Naw.. I don't know if Billo can discuss music, but I can tell you one thing. I would NEVER discuss music with Billo. Eeeuuuwww.
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Post by chrisfondaborder on May 1, 2008 15:41:39 GMT -5
The British WWI Flying Ace was is in element when he was asked to talk about some of his war time experiences to the very sweet ladies of the Garden Club. He excitedly described some of his dog fights against the very best of German pilots:
"Aye, there was a Fokker to the left of me, and a Fokker above me, and a Fokker on my six!" as he mimed aiming and firing his machine gun while looping his craft at insanely dangerous speeds. "Aye, there was one of those German Fokkers everywhere ye looked!"
The president of the Garden Club noticed that some of the ladies were blushing a bit at the old Colonel's language. She quickly stepped to the podium:
"I should explain that a "Fokker" was a type of German airplaine, isn't that right, Colonel"?
"Aye", the Colonel shot back. "And some of those Fokkers were flyin' Messerschmidts!"
(Crickets. Oy. Tough room!)
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Post by g1 on May 1, 2008 17:02:28 GMT -5
"Aye", the Colonel shot back. "And some of those Fokkers were flyin' Messerschmidts!"
As Daffy Duck would say, "A mess of Messerschmidts!"
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Post by moonstone on May 1, 2008 18:49:01 GMT -5
Obama’s Top 10 SurprisesBarack Obama was such a hit on “The Late Show with David Letterman” back in January that he’s doing the late night show again Thursday night. thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/01/obamas-top-10-surprises/Like he did before, the Democratic candidate will present the daily Top 10 list. While the topic back then was “Top 10 Barack Obama Campaign Promises,” tonight’s list is about the “Top 10 Surprising Facts About Barack Obama.” Spoiler alert: We scored an advance copy of the list. So, without further mystery, from the home office in Wahoo, Neb. (Wait — not Indiana?)… 10. My first act as president will be to stop the fighting between Lauren and Heidi on “The Hills.” 9. In the Illinois primary, I accidentally voted for Kucinich. 8. When I tell my kids to clean their room, I finish with, “I’m Barack Obama and I approved this message.” 7. Throughout high school, I was consistently voted “Barackiest.” 6. Earlier today I bowled a 39. 5. I have canceled all my appearances the day the “Sex and the City” movie opens. 4. It’s the birthplace of Fred Astaire. (Sorry, that’s a surprising fact about Omaha.) 3. We are tirelessly working to get the endorsement of Kentucky Derby favorite Colonel John. 2. This has nothing to do with the Top Ten, but what the heck is up with Paula Abdul? 1. I have not slept since October.
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Post by Laura on May 1, 2008 19:22:44 GMT -5
Obama’s Top 10 SurprisesBarack Obama was such a hit on “The Late Show with David Letterman” back in January that he’s doing the late night show again Thursday night. thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/01/obamas-top-10-surprises/Like he did before, the Democratic candidate will present the daily Top 10 list. While the topic back then was “Top 10 Barack Obama Campaign Promises,” tonight’s list is about the “Top 10 Surprising Facts About Barack Obama.” Spoiler alert: We scored an advance copy of the list. So, without further mystery, from the home office in Wahoo, Neb. (Wait — not Indiana?)… 10. My first act as president will be to stop the fighting between Lauren and Heidi on “The Hills.” 9. In the Illinois primary, I accidentally voted for Kucinich. 8. When I tell my kids to clean their room, I finish with, “I’m Barack Obama and I approved this message.” 7. Throughout high school, I was consistently voted “Barackiest.” 6. Earlier today I bowled a 39. 5. I have canceled all my appearances the day the “Sex and the City” movie opens. 4. It’s the birthplace of Fred Astaire. (Sorry, that’s a surprising fact about Omaha.) 3. We are tirelessly working to get the endorsement of Kentucky Derby favorite Colonel John. 2. This has nothing to do with the Top Ten, but what the heck is up with Paula Abdul? 1. I have not slept since October. Thanks Moon!
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Post by moonstone on May 1, 2008 19:28:19 GMT -5
My pleasure. I thought the Top 10 was pretty lame, although I did like the one about Omaha.
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Post by Laura on May 1, 2008 19:31:20 GMT -5
My pleasure. I thought the Top 10 was pretty lame, although I did like the one about Omaha. #1 and 2 were pretty good. No wonder he looks so tired..and yeah, what's up with crazy Paula?
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Post by moonstone on May 1, 2008 19:34:45 GMT -5
My pleasure. I thought the Top 10 was pretty lame, although I did like the one about Omaha. #1 and 2 were pretty good. No wonder he looks so tired..and yeah, what's up with crazy Paula? True. I could act that way for a lot less money. I already do it ... every day.
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