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Post by bluestocking on Apr 11, 2008 9:43:02 GMT -5
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Post by moonstone on Apr 11, 2008 10:21:01 GMT -5
Very funny. The foreign signs are one thing, but if you learned anything in shcool, it should have been how to spell it. But sometimes it can be pretty sad. Once when I was teaching I had two brothers in the same class whose last name was Wolf, and they couldn't agree on how it should be spelled. This was high school, by the way, so this argument had been going on a long time without clear resolution.
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Post by Laura on Apr 11, 2008 10:21:50 GMT -5
These are funny. I'm sure Krista cringed at the spelling of the word "shcool." ..and remember folks to get in the way of someone when carrying a parasol.
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Post by moonstone on Apr 11, 2008 16:56:12 GMT -5
A few oxymoronica for TGIF --
“I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, “What the hell good would that do?” ~ Ronnie Shakes
“There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception.” ~ James Thurber
And my own variation on Thurber’s --
The first rule of politics is that there are no rules in politics.
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Post by g1 on Apr 15, 2008 9:12:51 GMT -5
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" She pushed him into the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious. After a search of the bedroom, he discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he shouted.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself. "Those little b*stards!"
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Post by g1 on Apr 18, 2008 18:20:31 GMT -5
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
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Post by nanalinda on Apr 18, 2008 18:36:11 GMT -5
Thanks G1. I needed that. The one I have wondered about is the Braille at the drive-in. I could understand it on the passenger side. My daughter does remind me that people in Texas do drive as though they're blind!
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Post by g1 on Apr 18, 2008 18:43:17 GMT -5
The official explanation is that it's not cost-effective to build another set of dies to make non-braille keys for drive-up windows. As I need bifocles, it would probably be easier to learn to read braille than to have to take my glasses off to read things at a certain distance...
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Post by Laura on Apr 19, 2008 0:12:39 GMT -5
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering Thanks g1 for coming to the rescue! I think we who needed some cheering up today got it with this post..
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Post by moonstone on Apr 19, 2008 11:51:26 GMT -5
Yesterday everyone was looking for a joke, but I wasn't in the mood to provide one. When I woke up this morning, I remembered that the Colbert Report on Thursday night was one of the best ever -- Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Barack Obama all made appearances. If you click this link for the main page, and then go to the lefthand side, you can get the re-cap for Thursday's show, and there's a separate link for each of the segments. This was absolutely vintage Colbert. www.comedycentral.com/shows/the_colbert_report/index.jhtml
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Post by moonstone on Apr 20, 2008 20:59:40 GMT -5
A few oxymoronica for Sunday night amusement --
“There must be more to life than having everything.” ~ Maurice Sendak
“There’s nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.” ~ John Ciardi
“I had to give up masochism -- I was enjoying it too much.” ~ Mel Calman
“Instant gratification takes too long.” ~ Carrie Fisher
“If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then nine times out of ten it will.” ~ Paul Harvey
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Post by moonstone on Apr 20, 2008 21:05:53 GMT -5
Sven and Ole bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Sven says to Ole, "I thought you had the keys."
Ole says, "You ver driving, da driver always takes da keys."
"Well," says Sven, "It doesn't much matter, da question is vat are ve going ta do about it."
Ole says, "I don't know, but ve bedder come up vit someting fast because it looks like rain, and you had ta go and leave da top down."
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Post by moonstone on Apr 20, 2008 21:36:11 GMT -5
For Jamie --
You might live in Wisconsin if …
You have either a pet or a child named "Brett."
You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, cheese, and venison.
You know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie & Manitowoc.
You have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 nches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.
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Post by g1 on Apr 21, 2008 8:13:09 GMT -5
Words to live by... (culled from a longer, schlockier list.,,,)
* Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything’s coming your way, you ’re probably in the wrong lane. Ask for directions.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may feel like the only person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
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Post by moonstone on Apr 21, 2008 8:19:55 GMT -5
Words to live by... (culled from a longer, schlockier list.,,,) * Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue. * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. * Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others. * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on. * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. * Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. * The second mouse gets the cheese. * When everything’s coming your way, you ’re probably in the wrong lane. Ask for directions. * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. * You may feel like the only person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. g1 -- These are wonderful. Thank you. Just what I needed this morning. It's definitely time to get up and dance.
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Post by g1 on Apr 21, 2008 8:23:15 GMT -5
You've obviously never seen me dance...
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Post by moonstone on Apr 21, 2008 8:25:07 GMT -5
You've obviously never seen me dance... You said it yourself. No one cares if you can't dance well.
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Post by pdb on Apr 21, 2008 10:58:31 GMT -5
Words to live by... (culled from a longer, schlockier list.,,,) * Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue. * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. * Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others. * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on. * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. * Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. * The second mouse gets the cheese. * When everything’s coming your way, you ’re probably in the wrong lane. Ask for directions. * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. * You may feel like the only person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. I LOVE these, g1; thank you for making my day, friend!!
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Post by Laura on Apr 21, 2008 13:58:33 GMT -5
A few oxymoronica for Sunday night amusement -- “There must be more to life than having everything.” ~ Maurice Sendak “There’s nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.” ~ John Ciardi “I had to give up masochism -- I was enjoying it too much.” ~ Mel Calman “Instant gratification takes too long.” ~ Carrie Fisher “If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then nine times out of ten it will.” ~ Paul Harvey Thanks Moon..LOL! "There's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation"
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Post by g1 on Apr 21, 2008 14:11:02 GMT -5
“There’s nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.” ~ John Ciardi" ***
This recalls one of my favorites: "Everyone should believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink." WC Fields
Also...
"Practice moderation in all things, including moderation." I've head this attributed to Lao Tsu, Aristotle, and most recently Mark Twain.
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Post by moonstone on Apr 28, 2008 8:24:17 GMT -5
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Post by g1 on Apr 28, 2008 9:24:31 GMT -5
At least they can't blame NAFTA, or the Chinese. And what's Jimmy Buffet doing on Mars, anyway. But then , that guy'll play anywhere there's electricity, and probably a few places their ain't. And is that Uncle Wrigley, of children's book fame, that they're making a deal with? I hadn't heard of him in years.. had no idea he was even still alive...
Feeling a bit dense this morning. Must be the weather.
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Post by moonstone on Apr 28, 2008 10:49:54 GMT -5
At least they can't blame NAFTA, or the Chinese. And what's Jimmy Buffet doing on Mars, anyway. But then , that guy'll play anywhere there's electricity, and probably a few places their ain't. And is that Uncle Wrigley, of children's book fame, that they're making a deal with? I hadn't heard of him in years.. had no idea he was even still alive... Feeling a bit dense this morning. Must be the weather. No density where you are. I think that pretty much sums it up. Buffett came down from being a mile high in Denver, and immediately suffered a change in latitude and a change in attitude. Now tired of making music for money, Buffett went down to Biloxi, where he saw stars on the water. This gave him Tampico trauma, but as there was no plane on Sunday, he couldn't meet Little Miss Magic in Memphis, as he had promised for an evening of love in the library. Disappointed and frustrated, he decided instead to defy gravity and go to Mars in order to investigate why stars fell on Alabama. He traveled with Captain America, but his space ship broke down and Buffett was stuck. While he was livin' and dyin' in three quarter time, he happened to see an opportunity to purchase the Uncle Wiggily board game franchise. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncle_Wiggily_%28game%29His philosophy? Never pass up a good deal ... anything, anytime, anywhere. So, he decided to take a treetop flyer, but then he had to wait for Desdemona to build a rocket ship. They stopped off briefly at her beach house on the moon where they shared a cheeseburger in paradise (well, you didn't think I would leave it out, did you?), and then took a trip around the sun. Returning back down to earth, he closed the deal on Uncle Wiggily, and then went on to investigate the peanut butter conspiracy before deciding "I have found me a home" with "my lovely lady" Desdemona. To celebrate, he asked her, "why don't we get drunk?" to which she replied, inexplicably, "God don't own a car." So, they hit the road for a little adventure, during which time they conducted the great filling station hold-up. Much impressed, Desdemona said, "Ain't he a genius?" Well, maybe, but after that Buffett was forced to grow a pencil thin mustache as a disguise. Realizing that everybody's on the run, Buffett and Desdemona traveled to France, where they holed up in this hotel room, door number three. Naturally, they wasted away on grapefruit-juicy fruit, and eventually ate the last mango in Paris. While in hiding, they heard some California promises, and decided to travel clean in order to find some Death Valley lives. And that's where you can still find them today, missing Paris and singing the Perrier blues, living off the Uncle Wiggily royalties. ............. For anyone who wants to continue the game, here are some Jimmy Buffett song titles -- www.azlyrics.com/b/buffett.html
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Post by Fairweather on Apr 28, 2008 12:04:40 GMT -5
I'll check it out when I catch my breath, moon! LOL LOL LOL ROFLMAO!
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Post by nanalinda on Apr 28, 2008 12:47:35 GMT -5
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by he whispered to the man "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment, returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy,but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger briefly surveyed the situation and then asked, "All right Buddy, what's your name?" "Fred" the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger. With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle, Fred replied "the balcony".
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